I had a fairly good weekend, how was everyone elses? On Friday I got word of a happy hour with old work friends, so I made Tim come with me for a couple hours to hang out and hear all the gossip. It was fun, and reassuring that I'm on a better track than I would be if I were still there.
After happy hour we headed to the city to see the new TBDArtists show: MELT. It was a lovely show, very fun and well put together. I had a really nice time. We ended up getting home at a nice and early 9pm and just relaxed. Much needed.
On Saturday, I had planned a girl date with Julie to head down the shore. Come Saturday I didn't really feel like heading down the shore at all, so we compromised and decided to head to the Grounds for Sculpture up in Hamilton, NJ. Yes, the same Hamilton where there's been about 3 suicides at the train station in the past month. Anyway, it was a gorgeous day. We got a lot of talks in, mostly depressing stuff, but it worked. I took my dad's camera with me and was able to get some really awesome pictures. I have not had any time to play around with any of them in Photoshop yet, but I was pretty happy with a few.
What do you guys think? I'm pretty happy with them. I took some awesome ones of a lined with pretty, thin trees too, but I think I would like to play around in Photoshop with them before posting.
On Sunday we had to run to Willow Grove to check out a park to be a possible wedding picture location. I think we both decided that it was really nice and will probably be sending in the form and donation soon. It was only a $50 donation! I'll take it! Here's the link: http://www.ushistory.org/graeme/A trip home also means spending time with mom and of course, my favorite little man, my nephew. He truly is amazing, he learns so much so quick. I taught him to make a fish face, I was proud of myself.
And now it's Monday again. Good ol' Monday. I have nothing exciting planned for this week, but I think I may start up my photography project again. I took a hiatus because I was tired of uploading pictures every night, creating a border, uploading them to the site, etc. I think if I continue the project, I'll just add pictures as I can, i.e. with my phone or via Facebook, etc.
And so I leave you with a super happy picture of Julie.
There's been a mix of events lately, I feel like both nothing and everything has happened since I last posted. For one, I attempted painting again, early last week. I painted over one of my smaller paintings and ended up with something I was pretty happy with (balloons!). I then tried to paint over the pumpkins and thus began the waterworks. I just couldn't work it out, everything I did ended up looking terrible and ridiculous. It was so bad that even Tim had no words..how embarrassing. This is what I'm talking about, people; these are the terrible, embarrassing moments that make me cringe and want to never attempt art again. The night ended with me in tears and Tim trying to make me believe that he has made some pretty terrible art himself (I'll never believe it, unless he considers his art from 3rd grade 'terrible'). And so, I put away my paints and canvases for a little bit in order to allow myself to refuel my creativity.
Here's my balloon painting that I did before the pumpkin canvas disaster!
On another note, I decided that it was time to really focus on losing weight. As you can see in my weight ticker on the top of my page, I've already started. I'm reluctantly spending more money at ShopRite each week, purchasing a plethora of Weight Watchers items so that I am less tempted to stray. So far I guess I can say that I've been doing...okay. I'm still having a little trouble really focusing on my efforts and sticking to it. I've been able to turn down most temptations, but hey, no one's perfect. My goal is to lose around 10lbs by my birthday, October 5th. That gives me about 7-8 weeks from the start of this endeavor. I can do this.
This is the weight I aspire to - however, I'm not quite sure how I was EVER this skinny, I feel like my bones alone are larger than I was in this picture, so I don't know how I'll ever get there again. Not just that, I'm pretty sure Tim would suffer from depression from those tiny boobs I had! Haha.
It feels like fall is quickly on it's way. You won't hear me complain about that, however, I have no fall-friendly clothes. I was never good with fall/winter clothes because I just hate jeans. I would wear dresses and skirts my whole life if I could, but living in Philadelphia, it's not really an option. I think I'm going to have to go out and pick up a few things, work and casual. I am so terrible at fashion that it's embarrassing. I'm goofy and awkward and I'm not daring at all when it comes to what I wear. I don't like this about myself, but I fear it's a reality that I'm not sure I can break the mold of. This is another reason I'm focusing on losing weight, other than weddings and dinners and birthdays. Now that I work in a place where I have to wear nice clothes, I want to be able to actually wear nice clothes, and not nice fat-girl clothes. Ha. We'll see.
I'm disappointed in myself. I really had creativity flowing for the next TBD art show but it looks as though I was unable to execute any of these ideas. I guess that's what practicing is for, one day I'll be able to put my thoughts on canvas. I tried to think of all different things to paint and that was easy, fruit, strawberries(I couldn't take my mind away from strawberries!), ice cream, pumpkins, etc. I tried the pumpkin idea, I'll get to that later in this post. The strawberry idea that I had looked awesome in my head, but before I sat down I realized how similar it was to the art from Across The Universe.
Because of the fears that I have (mentioned in a previous post), I've been sticking with the safe, abstract art. When things are abstract, people don't notice the imperfections in how you draw things, it seems like it's intentional. I don't think I'd like to tackle any still lifes simply because I think those are better (or I'm better at them) with a pencil and paper, not paint but don't think they'd stand out nearly as much.
I did end up painting two things this past week. One of these I ended up sort of happy with and the other I just hated, and I still hate, and I plan to paint over (those damn pumpkins...). It's really hard for me to think of ideas of things to paint. I really love my Philadelphia Series but I can't do the same thing forever, can I?
Here is the one painting I did this week that I don't mind and kind of like:
I have two photographs that I love and would have definitely put in the show, but I really wanted to challenge myself into painting something food related. I ended up not submitting anything at all. Maybe the disappointment of not having anything show will be the kick in the butt I need for the next themed show that they have. Although the reason I didn't submit anything was purely annoyance with myself, I also didn't really have the money laying around.
And for one last photo, here's one of the photographs I toyed with entering in the show.
Although I didn't show this time around, I definitely plan on stopping by, seeing everyone else's work, and supporting the cause. I love what this group is all about and I really appreciate the effect that it has on my desire to create. I've missed this part of myself for quite some time now and I'm really happy to have it back. So, if you're in the Philadelphia area, please stop by!
Gallery Information:
Location - James Oliver Gallery - 723 Chestnut St. - 4th floor - Philadelphia PA 19106
Opening Reception - Friday, August 27th, 2010. 5-10 pm.
Exhibition - August 27th - September 4th. (visit jamesolivergallery.com for hours.)
I'm terrible at being thin, I'm even worse with being happy with myself no matter what. I have decided that it's time to get serious about getting my weight down. It's going to take a lot of focus and hard work, but it's what I need to make myself happy. With the wedding on it's way, my birthday coming up, Christmas, other peoples weddings, I want to look really good. A lot of pictures are going to be taken in the next year and I don't want to look back at them and be just disgusted with myself. My goal is 15 lbs. I've lost more before, I can do this. The hardest part will be eating things I'm supposed to eat instead of splurging, however, I'm hoping this will really help when it comes to saving money as well.
And so, here goes nothin'!
Since this week was so shitty for both Tim and myself, I decided (since I got paid 2 days early - hooray for direct deposit and pffcu!) that I would treat him to dinner. Normally, when I have a terrible day/couple of days, Tim sneakily runs to ShopRite and buys me wonderful flowers. Since Tim is a boy and probably wouldn't really care for flowers, I sometimes have a hard time thinking of cute things to do for him to cheer him up. He likes beer, but beer is usually impersonal, yet appreciated (so this was my backup plan). He doesn't really care for food so that makes taking him out for dinner difficult too, however, that's what I ended up doing. I was going to just cook eggs or pasta yesterday, but I decided that he deserved a tasty fancy beer (something other than the normal Coors or PBR) and a steak (even though he just got a steak sandwich type thing).
It was really nice to get out. We went to the Blue Monkey Tavern for dinner. We first went there about 6 months or so and I really enjoy it. It's a mixture of classy and regular ol' pub. They have a wide variety of fancy beers on tap - which is always nice for Tim - and fun for me since I get to pick what he drinks (muahaha). Their food is fancy, yet casual, and usually always delicious. It's about 5 minutes from our house, so as a little mini date, it's always a good choice.
While we were sitting around at home last night, watching Project Runway, I said that I think it'd be awesome if I could create clothes like that, that I wish I were a designer. Tim turned to me and said, "you wish you were anything but what you are, you hate your life." This is not a true statement but it is a partially true statement. I hate my work. I love my life. As I went through in a previous post, I have a wonderful family, friends, etc. It's just my job that makes me want to pull my hair out. He said that he refuses to start a family with me until I'm happy with my life.
In the way I see things right now, work is just that, work. If I wanted to do something different a lot of sacrifices would have to be made; sacrifices that I'm just not willing to make at this time in my life. We would acquire more debt, something that is unfathomable right now, and we would struggle to do anything in our lives. I wouldn't be able to work because I'd go back to school, and I just can't put our relationship through that. Once things work out and settle down, I'll find a better job. I understand that this won't happen until I've gotten where I want to be in life with my family. I am not willing to put on hold my future marriage and my future children because I'm cranky about where I spent 8.5 hours of my day. This is my choice, but I think it's the right one for where I am in my life and what feels important to me.
I am excited to say that I finished my first set of paintings yesterday that I am really proud of. I always wanted to paint, but I never really "knew how" and for some weird reason, I was always afraid to just try to figure it out. I guess I never felt I was good enough, or was afraid that anyone that looked at me and my work would laugh. I think that's a small reason why I gravitated towards photography; I can fix photos, I can hide photos. I can just post a bunch and see what people like/don't like. With a painting, you can't do that. People see your thought process and your skill and imagination with painting.
Even with photography, I am very reserved. I never really get into crazy spots to take amazing photos, I sometimes hide my camera for fear of people thinking I was strange. I understand that this is ridiculous, but it's subconscious. When I finally went to AC Moore with Tim and we bought stuff for me to paint, I was still very reserved. I just kept asking if he thought I was being stupid of if he thought I was being ridiculous, he of course only thought I was ridiculous for asking such questions...
When we got home I was still afraid to sit down and try it out. I made Tim sit with me and "teach" me what to do. I was so timid and silly. I've never been good at working on things while people watched, so I immediately regretted asking him to sit with me, but I tried to work through it. We came up with my first painting ever, a duel effort of just playing with the paints and doing whatever we wanted.
His main suggestion was to just let go and do whatever, that there were no rules. No rules? What? I'm sorry, but I went to Catholic school my entire life, I had perfect attendance for 7 years. I went to college, partied responsibly, got a job right away, and I've never missed a payment for anything in my life, my brain does not understand the concept of "no rules". This is still something that I'm heavily struggling with. Even after finishing my first set of paintings, there were still rules for me. I still had to think about what I was going to do, sketch it out, make it look exactly right. I finish these paintings in less than an hour, the second I'm remotely happy with it I'll stop. I don't know if I'll ever learn to just play around with paint and a canvas. I'm too structured of a person for that.
As for my paintings, it's a triptych. It started with a random idea. I was driving home one day and I saw the Philly skyline. I got the image in my head and I decided to just go home and go for it. No one was home, so this made it a lot easier for me to work. I don't like people seeing me work, ever, even when I know what I'm doing. I have no idea where this fear stemmed from. After I finished my first painting I was really happy with it, a lot of people I showed it to seemed to really like it too. The next day I started brainstorming about other images I could paint in the same style. Safety is my thing. Once I figure something out, and it looks good, and I know how to do it, it's safe - so I stick with it. Here's the end result:
What do you think? Any suggestions? Any thoughts?
One other question is: does anyone know of a place to get prints made for a cheap price? I think these would possibly sell and I would like to explore that oppertunity.
And so for now, I hope to branch out in the world of paints. Now that I know that I can do it, I know that I'm capable of making something I'm happy with, maybe my brain will allow me to explore the world of "no rules" and paint some really fun things.
Money blows.
Yesterday was a rough day. Neither Tim nor myself were in any sort of mood. I was just normal, pre-girl time miserable and he was all bent out of shape because of money. While I know that I get equally bent out of shape, I didn't fully understand his mood yesterday. At one point I saw hope while we were at the grocery store he said he was out of his funk, he lied. But July was a really rough month for us, I'm just happy that we're still afloat and could afford food this week.
Anyway, the point is, saving is difficult. I don't understand how people do it. Sure there are things I can definitely cut back on and save $3 here and $25 there, but what's the point? I mean, why do I have to spend my life depressed that I can't afford anything or enjoy my life? I have this mentality, which makes having to save for a wedding quite a challenge.
Plus, July was the toughest money month I've had in quite some time. I was in a car accident, so there add on the repairs, plus the rental car, along with regular bills and gas. I also found out (much too late to be any help) that my insurance is terrible and I have an $800.00 deductible. Why ANY company would ever offer such a terrible plan is beyond me. How I got stuck with this plan is also beyond me. And so I got hit with a bill for my doctor appt and an MRI, release the waterworks!
I have student loans that basically consume almost 1/4 of my pay every month. This is something that I can barely stand to think about or else I'll just feel completely hopeless. Why does education cost so much? These student loans have, are, and always will be a gigantic thorn in my side until I am 50 years old. I don't know what I'm going to do, especially because I feel that if I ever want to change my profession, school is a must, I will never be able to go, because I can't afford even more student loan debt. How will I be able to start a family? Afford a nice house? Buy a new car? Go on a nice vacation? It makes me feel depressed and alone and completely trapped. My hope is that one day I will be able to find a job that gets me by without making me want to cry - at least if I enjoy my job, maybe I won't feel so sad.
As for saving for my wedding, well, that's mostly Tim, and I feel terrible about it. I hate that I can barely contribute to the wedding fund. It makes me feel guilty spending it, it makes me feel guilty in general. For our wedding we have to cover a few things: the flowers, the photographer overflow (Tim's parents are helping there), the odds and ends, and that's about it, so we're very fortunate.
Being such an avid photographer, I really, really want a photobooth at our wedding. Thing is, they cost upwards of $1,200.00. And so, this is my goal. My goal is to be able to afford a photobooth for my wedding. Meaning, I am going to challenge myself to save $1,200 myself in order to do this. No help from anyone else, just me. Don't have a clue how I'm going to do this, but I'd really like to know that I did. I'll keep you updated on any sort of progress. Keep in mind, I'm going to have to contrubute to the actual wedding fund as well as this, so, this might proove to be difficult.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to find new and fun ways to both excite my life and make money. I've considered a second job, but I just don't think a minimum wage, retail job would be worth it. I'd come home with checks for about $100.00 and I'll be exhausted without any time for myself. To me, the trade off isn't there. I've considered wedding photography as a side job. I would really love to do this, but I just am not that confident in myself. I know, that's my problem, but I'm working on it. Plus, all I have equiptment wise is my dad's Cannon. I've talked to friends about this, and it's definitely something I might be able to get into working with one of them, so we will see how this evolves. I also sell my photography and paintings online. The links are available on the side of my blog, feel free to share with your friends!
Anyone else have any suggestions on me reaching my $1,200 goal?
I have a good life, I do. I can't complain about most things.
I have a wonderful family who are always there for me - granted my father still being here would certainly make things better. I can't be sad about my dad being gone though, I had a wonderful father, one that most other people could only dream of, and I was blessed with him for 24 wonderful years. All on borrowed time. I have a wonderful fiance, he takes care of me, he believes in me, he supports me, and he's even accepted me overlooking my mountains of student loan debt. I have two lovely puppies, an amazing nephew.
We live on our own (with roommates). We are able to buy food and gas, we own cars, we can explore and take trips and be blessed enough to have the resources to plan a hopefully beautiful wedding.
My fiance is a fantastic artist. He paints and draws and all that fancy stuff. Recently a friend from high school, well, more an acquaintance who has since become a friend, began her own art show. There have been a few so far and there is a lot of promise of more to come. Tim and I have been fortunate enough to have spotted this at the very beginning so it's become sort of a hobby. There's a new show coming up (see photo) and I'm excited to hopefully take part. And with that comes the reason for this post:
I've recently rekindled my creativity, making my desk job completely unbearable. My daily workday is like this: I arrive as early as physically possible (usually around 7:10-7:30) I sit here trying to open my eyes, checking Facebook, Yahoo, and Twitter for an hour. Around 8:30 we start work. I manage to get everything out of my bin and finished usually around 10am, sometimes before, sometimes a little after. At 10am I begin the internet. I sit on the internet, browsing, posting, trying to find something to occupy my time until lunch at 12. Depending on how we spend lunch I either go out or sit at my desk for more internet. That goes on until about 2pm. By then there might be a little more work in my bin so I get that done, usually by around 2:30. After 2:30 I sit around until I can free myself from this hell of a desk at 4pm.
And that is my day, friends. You might be thinking, "Hell! What is she complaining about?!" I see that side of things sometimes. I am thankful to have a job, to have benefits (sort of - that's a story for another time) but sometimes I just can't take it. What am I to do with my life when I spend 35 hours a week refreshing Facebook or starting 15,000 different blogs to write about things that no one will ever read?
I've wanted to become a teacher for almost a year now, but there's no possible way I can do so. It's so depressing to think that I could be out there making a difference with my life instead of sitting here. I think this is why I am trying to desperately to become more creative outside of my job. The more I do outside of this building, the better I feel about myself.
I am really trying to branch out into the art world more, it seems to be working. I have a lot of friends in the art world. Another thing I'd love to start is wedding photography. Maybe as a side job, any takers?
But as for now, I'm trying to convince myself that life is a lot more than your job, however it's a difficult thing to do when one spends most of their time at a desk. How can I make my life more meaningful without going into mounds of debt?
