in need of me time

yesterday was brutal. i had a good day all the way up until the end when julie called and said that we couldn't get our massages because we waited too long and they were all booked. i lost it. i felt ridiculous for being so upset over it but i was just so angry and frustrated and upset. i cried for the rest of the work day(good thing she called around 5:15!), i couldn't wait to get out of here.

eventually i picked something else out and it all worked out, cheaper, and i'll probably like it better than a massage. i'm quite embarrassed by being so upset and pissed over such a silly thing, but i just couldn't help it. it's like nothing is smooth sailing.

julie also booked our hotel for howl weekend. i can't wait for this. i'm deleriously excited about it. it'll be so fun to spend time with the girls and to enjoy the bar. she emailed us saying it's $80. this is the only thing that scares me, seeing as not all our friends have that money. i'm hoping noone backs out, but hey, what's life if there's not a bump in every remote vacation plan i have?!

i also printed out passport paperwork today! i'm excited about this. i was on facebook looking through my events and it reminded me that everyone's planning a trip to buffalo in september. they'll probably make their way to canada too, and i don't want to miss out again because i lack a passport. also, it's good to just have one, that way i wont have to worry about getting one in time for a vacation (and maybe i'll be able to go on a cruise soon!)

all this made me realize how desperatly i need me time. every morning i wake up and have to convince myself not to call out of work. i know i shouldn't because one day in bed is not going to make me feel any better. i need to get away. i need to have fun. weekends are fun, sure, but i mean stress free fun for an extended period of time.
hopefully the above events will provide sufficient me time until may when i get to go to florida. if not i'll have to figure something out.

today debbie was talking to me about surgeries and hospitals. it was really sad that my mind just wandered to that night. it's awful. i quickly flushed the image of my dad laying there hooked up to machines and swollen out of my head. i know it's wrong, but i'm SO glad he didn't look like himself that night, or at the funeral. this way i can remember him for what he always looked like, i think it made things easier for me not to see "dad" in the coffin. ugh.

catch22 and some usa pride

I was talking to Alyson about this yesterday, i've noticed i haven't been really upset the past couple days. i can't decide if this is good or bad. it feels nice to not be upset constantly, but it feels like i'm disconnected from my dad when i am not upset. i miss thinking about him, but thinking about him makes me sad. it's quite the catch 22. but for now i'm going to roll with it. i know he's always with me and i know i'm not ever going to forget him, so i might as well try to enjoy the good days i have.

rich fell and broke his wrist about a week ago. joyce said that when he went to the hospital for his surgery he kept talking about my dad. this is where dan parked. this is where dan walked in for his surgery. etc.
i went to mom mom's the other day to see aunt lorraine and she was the same way. danny bought me this tv. chickie and petes, that was the last place danny went.

it's touching, yet depressing. i am quite aware of all this stuff, and so is everyone else, why does it have to be vocalized? i understand it and all, but i just think it hurts more than it helps.

on another note, i'm quite proud of our president. i've never experienced any type of pride in my country before this whole election, and never have i experienced this pride during an actual presidency like i did today.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/politico/20090206/pl_politico/18482
it's pretty awesome to know that he didn't lie to get into office and that he's an actual person who's very passionate about this country and the people in it.

that didn't last long

i woke up this morning very reluctantly. it was not an easy morning. the first thing i did was weigh myself, thinking i did pretty well this weekend with eating and working out last night, nope. it definitely set the tone for my day. it really made me depressed. i feel like i've been working so very hard for an entire month and i have virtually nothing to show for it. it's frustrating beyond belief.

so i went to work with my head hanging. i started to develop a headache and i was just plain cranky. it got to the point where i needed to leave work early just to stop tears from flooding my eyes.
going home was a good choice. i got to nap, i avoided super snowy roads. i regret not being able to go to the gym, and not running on the treadmill here, but i just needed a break.

what's not helping is how i'm treating tim during these times. i know he deserves much better than i have been able to give him as of late. it scares me that one day he's not going to want to deal with it any more. i'm so lucky.

why i'm starting

i think this'll be a good way to get my thoughts out of my head. ever since my dad died i feel like i have a lot of pent-up feelings that i know i can share with anyone, but i feel bad doing so. i know i shouldn't feel bad - but i do. people have enough stress and sadness in their lives and my pity party shouldn't be something they need to deal with as well. when it gets really bad, of course i'll talk to someone, but i have these feelings and thoughts every.single.day, and i can't expect anyone to listen to the same thing everyday.
plus, i can't talk about these things out loud because before it reaches my lips i begin to cry. i'm not writing these things to get pity or sympathy or pull any sort of guilt trip card on anyone, i'm literally just writing to get the out of my head.
i don't want this all to just be about my dad, though i believe thats the source of 99.9% of my sadness and stress lately, but i want it to be about anything.
lately i've felt so out of it. for obvious reasons and not so obvious reasons. i'm still trying to figure out those not so obvious reasons.

i'm excited to get underway and to keep track of my mental improvement as it comes. hopefully this helps! :)